Today I broke a mother fucking chair...

wow. Aren't you supposed to hit rock bottom BEFORE you decide to lose weight? Right when I get things turned around this shit happens.

I have been doing well. Keeping on points with weight watchers, starting an exercise routine. Through walks, hikes, and MAJOR elliptical training I am burning about 1000 calories a day. I have only binged 3 times. Once I was still within my daily points for WW even after I shoveled all the food in my mouth.

Today, I decided to make the exercise a bit more fun. I went to the gym and ran on the Elliptical on level 10 with a 5 incline for 40 minutes. Then my mother and I decided to grab my dog and go walk around one of the local gardens that spans over multiple acres. Next we rewarded ourselves with a trip to some healthy food carts and ate green papaya salad, bbq chicken, and some boiled chicken with this lovely chicken and lime broth. I sat down in a wooden, flimsy, folding chair and began to eat my healthy food. All of a sudden, crash. One of the screws popped out and I fell on my ass in front of a street load of people.

What do you do to recover from something like that?

I pretended that the screw was missing from the start and began sweating because my face was so red. What an evil cruel world. Make that shit happen BEFORE I start losing weight. NOT AFTER!!!!

When is it my turn?

Everyone around me has lost an incredible amount of weight! Good for them! My mother lost 150 pounds through exercise and weight watchers. A dear friend is at 130 and counting through exercise and the paleo diet. I have another buddy who is just exercising his brains out and has lost 80 pounds! I am so excited for all of them and feel inspired by each of them but for only so long...I find myself doing that HORRIBLE, needy friend thing and feeling left out. WHY AM I THE ONLY FATTY LEFT?!?! They were my comfort. The reason it was okay to eat that crap. I wasn't alone! Now they and their comforting folds of flesh are gone. They have been replaced by happy, healthy, people that DO things instead of constant tv for entertainment. Maybe I will join them in their exuberance over a bike ride instead of the cloud of dread that currently hangs over my head when thinking about it. When is it my turn? NOW! Baby steps, baby steps. What have I done today to get closer to my goal? First of all I have set my goal. I am a female, 26, 6'0" at 346. In the end I am wanting to reach 175. I need to lose 171 lbs! That is almost 1/2 of me. I am actually 2 people put together in one body. Gross. My first mini goal is 30 pounds. When I hit 316 I am putting $100 in my Hawaii fund. My husband and I are going to Hawaii a little over a year from now! I have also joined my local gym. L.A. Fitness has group classes on top of a great facility, hopefully I will put this to good use. I have joined weight watchers. I do not want to live the rest of my life without CARBS and am afraid I would gain the weight back once I reached my goal if I used a diet that limits them. I have also taken my before picture. I'm not sure if I will post it yet, tummy and all. I have eaten a healthy breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks and am debating how to get in my exercise this evening. The night is where I get into trouble and eat eat EAT! Wish me luck!

346

346. Three hundred and fucking forty six. The number stares back at me from my digital weight watchers scale. It is slightly grinning at me. My body is happy here. 346 is where it can eat french fries and pizza into the ever so common "food coma". The " food coma" is where I am at my happiest. It is not because I have just eaten whatever I wanted in vast quantities. It is not because I am comfortably sleepy, needing to rest so my body can do nothing on focus on digesting the recent feast. It is because at that point it is physically impossible for me to eat anything else. That is what I crave more than any salty, fried, sugar covered carbohydrate. I crave to crave nothing. I want to never again cry as I stuff my face envisioning what the greasy delicacy is doing to my body. I never again want to attempt to force myself to throw up, not from a case of bulimia, but because I have convinced myself it is the only way someone like me could lose the weight, only to fail miserably and in defeated journal the binged calories I assumed would end in the toilet. How do I start? I am starting with chicken. I shall eat dinner in about half an hour. Chicken, brown rice, and veggies. I am exhausted from working all weekend but maybe I can convince myself to go to the gym afterwards, or at least walk the dog. It starts here and it starts with nothing more than a new blog and some chicken.